shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
