you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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