How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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