wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
