I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
