So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.