Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
