are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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