i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.