Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?