my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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