theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Randomize
