Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?