I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
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I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
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Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow