His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.