Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do