Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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