Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize