hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
