Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
