If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
