I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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