Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
