She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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