I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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