I think I died a long time ago.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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