i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again