I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
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My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
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I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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