I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Randomize
