If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
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He passed out mid-signature
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
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I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.