Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again