I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
