The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
