mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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