I feel like I'm in dance class right now
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
