if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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