FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
