i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
