I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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