You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
