God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
