why didn't you poke me back
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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