I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
