normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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