Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I would fuck him just for his dog
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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