If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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