I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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