I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
