I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
