I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
