I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
