I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
