Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
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We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
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Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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