You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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