I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
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I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
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My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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