ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
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I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
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Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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