yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
