remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
