if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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